Moms For Peace

Love Notes To Myself

2011-06-09T11:48:00.000-07:00

Working at the same company as my ex-husband sometimes leads to difficult and tricky situations.

For instance, it has recently come to light that he is sleeping with one of his direct reports, herself recently divorced. His move-in girlfriend moved out, and he took up with this gal who is half his age, the age of his daughter.

In order to keep myself on track I have resorted to sending myself love notes via email.

Others have expressed concern for my feelings, thinking that I might interpret their behavior as a reflection on me. Exposing their relationship has had the opposite effect. I feel totally free and vindicated. What they do is their business except where it overlaps into the professional arena, but it clearly shows a pattern in HIS behavior.

Unfortunately, overlap happens in the most subtlest of forms. For instance, a group of us go to lunch for birthdays. She is a member of the club, and she will be asked, but everyone hopes she will decline. It would just be too awkward with her there.  As for me, there has already been a breach of trust with her - things said in confidence were passed on, and got back to me.

Anyway, here is my first "love note to myself", entitled "Grace and Dignity"

Grace and Dignity

It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and her.
Being in close proximity to him is toxic to someone with even the slightest vulnerability.

He is an opportunist and a predator, his latest conquest only his most recent victim.

Keep your head up, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead.

And remember. You are a beautiful woman.

Inner Peace, Outer Peace

2011-03-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

I have asked myself countless times why it's so important to work on inner peace. What's the big deal?

The answer is, that peace starts with me, and I start with what is inside. From there, peace can grow and spread to other areas of my life, to the people I love, and people I don't even know. Eventually.

One of my favorite quotes is, "Follow a leader who walks with a limp". I always interpreted that to mean a leader who's been through the fire, been wounded, and survived. I imagine a leader like that knows what's at stake, knows the real cost in terms of human suffering, and works to minimize those costs...a person who takes care of other people, and has the utmost respect for them.

I'm not sure you can be a good leader without having been wounded (and healed) yourself.

Art and Peace

2010-09-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

My new favorite quote....

A is for Artist: An artist is someone who brings humanity to a problem, who changes someone else for the better, who does work that can't be written down in a manual. Art is not about oil painting, it's about bringing creativity and insight to work, instead of choosing to be a compliant cog. (From Linchpin).

Bullying Conversation Styles

2010-08-05T12:16:00.000-07:00

The other day I was in a meeting where one manager belittled another manager (I'm a lowly engineer).

It made a lot of people uncomfortable, but no one said anything. The verbal abuser got away with it. I call him a verbal abuser because, from all outward appearances, he was not interested in communicating, or exchanging ideas and opinions. He was more interested in beating up on the other person via unfounded criticisms and lack of clear expectations, and exercising control.

It was an important lesson for me. Earlier in the day, I had a conversation with a high school teacher friend. She commented how distressing she finds it to read students Face Book pages calling each other 'bitch', or 'ho' - best friends, mind you. The thought being that good friends can get away with it becasue they each know the other doesn't mean it.

I don't care.

To call someone a bitch in writing is not cool. To ask someone, "Why are you being bitchy?" is not the same as, "Why are you being so grumpy?". It just isn't. "Bitchy" is an ugly word, a useful word. It has it's purpose. But it should not be used in reference to friends, lovers, or family.

Verbal bullying starts with our friends, under the guise of 'funny', or 'just kidding'. And it morphs into managers who talk to colleagues, and co-workers, in just the same way, or worse.

I am convinced that verbal bullies get worse with age.

The only way to preserve the peace with them, that I've found anyway, is to not engage them if at all possible.

Color me 'old fashioned'. I don't mind. I believe that peace can be maintained and encouraged by treating each other with respect. And that includes conversing with each other.

A Brief Respite

2010-07-14T15:54:00.000-07:00

My ex-husband is scheduled to be out of the office for a total of three weeks. He'll be returning in about a week and a half, so we're halfway through this brief respite.

Why is it a respite? Because we work at the same, small company. It is difficult to avoid each other. Any encounter is at best, neutral, at worst, uncomfortable. I never know when he's going to visit the office over here.

His absence highlights how much energy I divert from emotional healing into protecting myself.

It took a couple of days before I really started to relax. Then I started noticing my own behavior. I noticed that when people walk in the office, even if I don't look at them directly, I ALWAYS check to see who it is. I am ALWAYS braced for the possibility that it's him.

It has been more relaxed because I know he's not around, and I don't have to be constantly on guard.

It stands to reason that if I'm so unhappy with the situation, that I could leave. The way I feel about it right now is that this is a great place to work, and I'm lucky to be here. The job market is pretty tight at the moment, with no indication things are going to loosen up any time soon.

Plus, rumor has it that when his daughter (finally) gets a job, he's going to move on. It should be soon. I think she is close to graduating, if she hasn't already. I would be thrilled if he left, as would many other people here. We'll see.

Personally I think he won't quit. He would be very unhappy as a little fish in a big pond. Currently he is a very big fish in a little pond. But it could go either way.

So, as for the peace part of it, I plan to work on relaxing even when he is on the premises. There is no real reason to be so vigilant. It is a learned behavior. And if I can learn it, I can unlearn it too.

Can you think of some area in your life where a little relaxation will help diffuse a tense or stressful situation?

Sometimes It's Hard Not To Get Mad

2010-06-18T15:48:00.001-07:00

Today I heard via the Grapevine, that my exHusband threw a hissy fit when he learned I was moving nearby. I dunno....it seems to me throwing a fit would indicate he thinks I still care about what he does or does not do. I don't.

What I do care about is protecting myself and my reputation. I could not help but take offense when informed of some of his more disparaging comments, comments made to my co-workers and colleagues no less. It upsets me because it seems a wee bit like character assassination, against which I have no defense. He is one of "The Bosses".

God, what a horrible mistake I made so many years ago when I let him into my life. It was a mistake on so many different levels.

So, from a peace point of view, all I can do is persevere. I will not stoop to his level when it comes to opening his mouth.

I left him in the dust years ago. I live my life with grace and dignity.

2010-06-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

“Peace is not won by those who fiercely guard their differences but by those who with open minds and hearts seek out connections.”
-Katherine Paterson

I like that quote because it's true. It's not our differences that connect people, it's our similarities.

Excluding a few outliers on the Bell curve, most people want the same thing - food on the table for their family, a roof over their heads, safety, security, community. We share those wants and needs with just about everyone.

My boss used to say, "If you want to get someone to open up, ask them about their children". If you want to see someone smile, ask them about their kids. Unless, of course, their kids are teenagers. That's a different story.

So the moral of the story is, to find peace, look for connections and similarities. It works for me.

How has it worked for you?

Mental Peace

2010-06-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

I am far from being an enlightened person, but there's one thing I've noticed.

When I am 'present', I am happy. When I am focused on what is in front of me, right now, I am happy.

Happiness comes in short bursts of time, mostly because it doesn't take very much to shake me out of my present-ness. I can go from peaceful to p.o.'ed in about 3 seconds - especially in traffic.

And yet, when I look at what gets me riled while, say, driving in traffic, it almost always comes down to some type of ego, sense of entitlement (get out of my way, jerk, can't you see I'm in a hurry!?), or wanting to be somewhere other than where I am right now (also "get out of my way, fella, can't you see I'm in a hurry").

When I can maintain my present-ness, I am happy. I like feeling that way - which is a totally non-cool thing to say. But it's true. :-)

Meditation helps to increase that sense of well-being. The duration of happy bubbles lasts longer, which (should be) is motivation for doing more meditation. I don't always meditate like I should.

Self-discipline is very hard. Fortunately it gets easier with practice. Lately, I've gotten a little out of practice.

Maybe it's time to get back into it....

What do you think?

Hope you have a happy and peaceful weekend.

kholland

Movin' On for Peace

2010-06-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was Memorial Day...as an aside, my Mom passed away 22 years ago on Memorial Day. This year I spent the holiday weekend moving from my home of 13.75 years to a brand-spankin' new home.

I am very fortunate for several reasons, the least not being that I had several friends helping. I honestly do not know what I would have done without their help. I am amazed and grateful for the people who showed up for me. After a bad marriage that lasted way longer than it should have, it just wasn't something I was (or am) used to. People showing up??? For me????? Incredible!

But hey, that's not what I wanted to write about! My son and two of his friends came over to help. One friend I've known for a while, and think the world of him. The other I just met. T

They're amazing 23 - 24 year old young men. They moved the heavy stuff and worked very hard - for about four hours. Little did I know my son had made plans to go fishing (yes, fishing! ) at 2 o'clock sharp - right in the middle of prime moving time. I was a little upset. I knew that would be the end of their help and availability, not to mention muscles! My crew disappeared, and the day was still young.

In the end, I bit my tongue, gave each of them a little spending money, and went to work putting away all the stuff they brought over.

I am really glad I kept my thoughts to myself. They worked hard. One requested to be Face Book friends, and when you're an old fart like me, it's really cool when a young'un wants to be friends.

I kept the peace by keeping my criticism and opinions to myself. And for once, I'm glad I did.

Slowly, but surely, the work will get done. Just not on my time schedule.

Respect - Foundation of Peace

2010-05-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

My son and I had a disagreement the other day - a pretty heated one.

He's 23 years old. Techically he lives with me, but we're not there at the same time very much. My home is his home base.

We argued about picking up after ones self, which he doesn't always do. It escalated rapidly. It left me in tears, and made him angry.

Looking back, I engaged him because my ego got in the way. Aside from the issue of respect,or maybe because of it, he made a snide remark that I took personally. I felt the need to defend, or explain myself. His callous remark hurt my feelings.

Respect is crucial to peace. Mutual respect is a pillar of peace. If we respect our differences, if we refrain from mocking what we don't understand, if we accept that we're different, and if we speak respectfully, we stand a better chance of working out our differences.

How Soon Before We're Friends?

2010-05-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

I have two ex-husbands. I wanted to be divorced from the first one. The second one I threw down a challenge - we had to work on the relationship, or I could not go on. He choose to not work on the relationship. Eventually we divorced after a bunch of drama - he had an extra-marital affair with the secretary of our church, we both ended up leaving the church where we'd been members for years, and sadly, we still work at the same place.

Our place of employment is a high tech firm. We are both firmly rooted in this area. When we are in meetings together or around each other, I feel tense, anxious, and angry.

So what does all this have to do with peace? Well....today the thought crossed my mind that the whole situation could be alleviated if we could be 'friends'. I'm not one to say 'never', but I have to admit chances that would happen are pretty slim. At least as things stand now.

But if we were to be friends, what would it take? What would have to happen? For starters, we would both have to be open to the possiblity. I would have to stop resisting the situation (I'm still very angry over things that happened in the past I consider to be unfair), and he would have to be respectful of a few limits.

I dunno....just writing and thinking about it makes my heart pound. It would seem I still have work to do about letting go...

Until next time,

Peace.

Who's Your Spiritual Teacher?

2010-05-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

"Choosing a spiritual teacher is a very serious problem, and one should devote the kind of time and effort to it that one would devote to any fundamental problem in life."
The above quote is from an interview with Philip Kapleau Roshi by Helen Tworkin, published in Tricycle Review.
Wow. When I think back to all the Christian churches I've attended, some resonated with me more than others. Sometimes it was an instant attraction, and I knew I was 'home'. I couldn't get enough of it. Those times turned out to be the most healing, and provided me with what I needed then.
Inevitably, and sometimes sadly, the leaders moved on, or there were theological differences within the church, and they splintered. Sometimes church leadership was not pro-active enough in policing key employee's behavior resulting in rifts between members.
Regardless, I like the phrase, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears". I have found that to be true, time and time again. Sometimes my spiritual teacher turned out to be the most unsuspecting person I could have imagined. But they had a lesson to teach me, and then they vanished into thin air.
When the lesson is learned, sometimes the teacher disappears.
Life goes on.
Who was your most memorable, if fleeting, spiritual teacher?

True Peace Starts With Me

2010-05-13T09:16:00.000-07:00

Hi there,

I was thinking this morning about my website, MomsForPeace.org. I did a search the other day, and my site didn't rank as high as it used to. It wasn't too surprising since I have not devoted much time to it lately.

But a few weeks ago, I had my hand read - no, it wasn't a fortune-telling thing, more like 'life coaching'. It turns out that my main purpose in life is PEACE. That is what I am here for - to work towards personal, internal peace.

Well, that started the ol' brain a tickin'. So here I am, refocusing on Moms For Peace in some form.

The challenge now is to get caught up - like, are we fighting one war now, or two? - and to actively work towards peace.

I created this blog, because I truly believe "true peace starts with me".

So....welcome to my journey...

But before I close, what does "Peace" mean to you?