Love Notes To Myself

Working at the same company as my ex-husband sometimes leads to difficult and tricky situations.

For instance, it has recently come to light that he is sleeping with one of his direct reports, herself recently divorced.  His move-in girlfriend moved out, and he took up with this gal who is half his age, the age of his daughter. 

In order to keep myself on track I have resorted to sending myself love notes via email.   

Others have expressed concern for my feelings, thinking that I might interpret their behavior as a reflection on me.  Exposing their relationship has had the opposite effect.  I feel totally free and vindicated.  What they do is their business except where it overlaps into the professional arena, but it clearly shows a pattern in HIS behavior. 

Unfortunately, overlap happens in the most subtlest of forms.  For instance, a group of us go to lunch for birthdays.  She is a member of the club, and she will be asked, but everyone hopes she will decline.  It would just be too awkward with her there.  As for me, there has already been a breach of trust with her - things said in confidence were passed on, and got back to me. 

Anyway, here is my first "love note to myself", entitled "Grace and Dignity"

Grace and Dignity

It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and her.
Being in close proximity to him is toxic to someone with even the slightest vulnerability.

He is an opportunist and a predator, his latest conquest only his most recent victim.


Keep your head up, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead.


And remember. You are a beautiful woman.


  

Inner Peace, Outer Peace

I have asked myself countless times why it's so important to work on inner peace.  What's the big deal?

The answer is, that peace starts with me, and I start with what is inside.  From there, peace can grow and spread to other areas of my life, to the people I love, and people I don't even know.  Eventually. 

One of my favorite quotes is, "Follow a leader who walks with a limp".  I always interpreted that to mean a leader who's been through the fire, been wounded, and survived.  I imagine a leader like that knows what's at stake, knows the real cost in terms of human suffering, and works to minimize those costs...a person who takes care of other people, and has the utmost respect for them.

I'm not sure you can be a good leader without having been wounded (and healed) yourself.

 

Art and Peace

My new favorite quote....

A is for Artist: An artist is someone who brings humanity to a problem, who changes someone else for the better, who does work that can't be written down in a manual. Art is not about oil painting, it's about bringing creativity and insight to work, instead of choosing to be a compliant cog. (From Linchpin).

Bullying Conversation Styles

The other day I was in a meeting where one manager belittled another manager (I'm a lowly engineer).

It made a lot of people uncomfortable, but no one said anything. The verbal abuser got away with it. I call him a verbal abuser because, from all outward appearances, he was not interested in communicating, or exchanging ideas and opinions. He was more interested in beating up on the other person via unfounded criticisms and lack of clear expectations, and exercising control.

It was an important lesson for me. Earlier in the day, I had a conversation with a high school teacher friend. She commented how distressing she finds it to read students Face Book pages calling each other 'bitch', or 'ho' - best friends, mind you. The thought being that good friends can get away with it becasue they each know the other doesn't mean it.

I don't care.

To call someone a bitch in writing is not cool. To ask someone, "Why are you being bitchy?" is not the same as, "Why are you being so grumpy?". It just isn't. "Bitchy" is an ugly word, a useful word. It has it's purpose. But it should not be used in reference to friends, lovers, or family.

Verbal bullying starts with our friends, under the guise of 'funny', or 'just kidding'. And it morphs into managers who talk to colleagues, and co-workers, in just the same way, or worse.

I am convinced that verbal bullies get worse with age.

The only way to preserve the peace with them, that I've found anyway, is to not engage them if at all possible.

Color me 'old fashioned'. I don't mind. I believe that peace can be maintained and encouraged by treating each other with respect. And that includes conversing with each other.

A Brief Respite

My ex-husband is scheduled to be out of the office for a total of three weeks. He'll be returning in about a week and a half, so we're halfway through this brief respite.

Why is it a respite? Because we work at the same, small company. It is difficult to avoid each other. Any encounter is at best, neutral, at worst, uncomfortable. I never know when he's going to visit the office over here.

His absence highlights how much energy I divert from emotional healing into protecting myself.

It took a couple of days before I really started to relax. Then I started noticing my own behavior. I noticed that when people walk in the office, even if I don't look at them directly, I ALWAYS check to see who it is. I am ALWAYS braced for the possibility that it's him.

It has been more relaxed because I know he's not around, and I don't have to be constantly on guard.

It stands to reason that if I'm so unhappy with the situation, that I could leave. The way I feel about it right now is that this is a great place to work, and I'm lucky to be here. The job market is pretty tight at the moment, with no indication things are going to loosen up any time soon.

Plus, rumor has it that when his daughter (finally) gets a job, he's going to move on. It should be soon. I think she is close to graduating, if she hasn't already. I would be thrilled if he left, as would many other people here. We'll see.

Personally I think he won't quit. He would be very unhappy as a little fish in a big pond. Currently he is a very big fish in a little pond. But it could go either way.

So, as for the peace part of it, I plan to work on relaxing even when he is on the premises. There is no real reason to be so vigilant. It is a learned behavior. And if I can learn it, I can unlearn it too.

Can you think of some area in your life where a little relaxation will help diffuse a tense or stressful situation?

Sometimes It's Hard Not To Get Mad

Today I heard via the Grapevine, that my exHusband threw a hissy fit when he learned I was moving nearby. I dunno....it seems to me throwing a fit would indicate he thinks I still care about what he does or does not do. I don't.

What I do care about is protecting myself and my reputation. I could not help but take offense when informed of some of his more disparaging comments, comments made to my co-workers and colleagues no less. It upsets me because it seems a wee bit like character assassination, against which I have no defense. He is one of "The Bosses".

God, what a horrible mistake I made so many years ago when I let him into my life. It was a mistake on so many different levels.

So, from a peace point of view, all I can do is persevere. I will not stoop to his level when it comes to opening his mouth.

I left him in the dust years ago. I live my life with grace and dignity.

“Peace is not won by those who fiercely guard their differences but by those who with open minds and hearts seek out connections.”
-Katherine Paterson

I like that quote because it's true. It's not our differences that connect people, it's our similarities.

Excluding a few outliers on the Bell curve, most people want the same thing - food on the table for their family, a roof over their heads, safety, security, community. We share those wants and needs with just about everyone.

My boss used to say, "If you want to get someone to open up, ask them about their children". If you want to see someone smile, ask them about their kids. Unless, of course, their kids are teenagers. That's a different story.

So the moral of the story is, to find peace, look for connections and similarities. It works for me.

How has it worked for you?