Compassion for Myself and Others

Maintaining a constant defense against potential ego threats takes a lot of time and energy - way more than I am willing to expend these days, especially as it relates to ex-spouses and difficult people at work.

Instead, I would rather adopt the position that I don't have to, and am not going to, take everything that comes out of their mouth as a personal attack.

It hasn't always been easy, and on occasion, I still succumb to the temptation, but I am happy with my progress so far.

It has allowed me to keep an open curiosity about the people around me. Everyone has a story to tell, and boy, I'll tell ya! Those stories are fascinating. I have found, for instance, that if I can remain grounded in who I am, it is that much easier to appreciate the other person for who they are.

We don't have to be the same. We don't have to agree. We do not have to think the same way, or view things in the same way.

I am totally okay with that. And now that I know that, other people don't bother me nearly as much. :-) I am able to feel compassion for them to a much larger degree. It takes the edge off. And I can be compassionate towards me too, to accept myself as I am - with all my quirks and idiosyncrasies in place. I don't have to be perfect, and neither do they.

How 'bout that?!

Love Notes To Myself

In order to keep myself on track I have resorted to sending myself love notes via email.

Anyway, here is my first "love note to myself", entitled "Grace and Dignity"

Grace and Dignity

I choose peace.  I choose strength.  I choose vulnerability.  I choose who's important to me, who's opinion of me is important to me.  

Keep your head up, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead.

And remember. You are a beautiful woman.


Rumi wrote,

"What ever happens,
Just keep smiling, and lose
Yourself in love".  

I'll give it a shot. 

Inner Peace, Outer Peace

I have asked myself countless times why it's so important to work on inner peace.  What's the big deal?

The answer is, that peace starts with me, and I start with what is inside.  From there, peace can grow and spread to other areas of my life, to the people I love, and people I don't even know.  Eventually. 

One of my favorite quotes is, "Follow a leader who walks with a limp".  I always interpreted that to mean a leader who's been through the fire, been wounded, and survived.  I imagine a leader like that knows what's at stake, knows the real cost in terms of human suffering, and works to minimize those costs...a person who takes care of other people, and has the utmost respect for them.

I'm not sure you can be a good leader without having been wounded (and healed) yourself.

 

Art and Peace

My new favorite quote....

A is for Artist: An artist is someone who brings humanity to a problem, who changes someone else for the better, who does work that can't be written down in a manual. Art is not about oil painting, it's about bringing creativity and insight to work, instead of choosing to be a compliant cog. (From Linchpin).

 

Bullying Conversation Styles

The other day I was in a meeting where one manager belittled another manager (I'm a lowly engineer).

It made a lot of people uncomfortable, but no one said anything. The verbal abuser got away with it. I call him a verbal abuser because, from all outward appearances, he was not interested in communicating, or exchanging ideas and opinions. He was more interested in beating up on the other person via unfounded criticisms and lack of clear expectations, and exercising control.

It was an important lesson for me. Earlier in the day, I had a conversation with a high school teacher friend. She commented how distressing she finds it to read students Face Book pages calling each other 'bitch', or 'ho' - best friends, mind you. The thought being that good friends can get away with it becasue they each know the other doesn't mean it.

I don't care.

To call someone a bitch in writing is not cool. To ask someone, "Why are you being bitchy?" is not the same as, "Why are you being so grumpy?". It just isn't. "Bitchy" is an ugly word, a useful word. It has it's purpose. But it should not be used in reference to friends, lovers, or family.

Verbal bullying starts with our friends, under the guise of 'funny', or 'just kidding'. And it morphs into managers who talk to colleagues, and co-workers, in just the same way, or worse.

I am convinced that verbal bullies get worse with age.

The only way to preserve the peace with them, that I've found anyway, is to not engage them if at all possible.

Color me 'old fashioned'. I don't mind. I believe that peace can be maintained and encouraged by treating each other with respect. And that includes conversing with each other.

Sometimes It's Hard Not To Get Mad

Today I heard via the Grapevine, that my exHusband threw a hissy fit when he learned I was moving. I dunno....it seems to me throwing a fit would indicate he thinks I still care about what he does or does not do. I don't.

What I do care about is protecting myself and my reputation. I could not help but take offense when informed of some of his more disparaging comments, comments made to my co-workers and colleagues. It is an assault upon my character - against which I have no defense.  ANY response, short of none, looks like a defense, which automatically puts one in the less-than position.  I know my own true 'defense' is time.  Time is on my side because the truth ALWAYS comes out. 

So, from a peace point of view, all I can do is persevere. I will not stoop to his level when it comes to opening his mouth.

I will continue to strive to live my life with grace and dignity.

“Peace is not won by those who fiercely guard their differences but by those who with open minds and hearts seek out connections.”
-Katherine Paterson

I like that quote because it's true. It's not our differences that connect people, it's our similarities.

Excluding a few outliers on the Bell curve, most people want the same thing - food on the table for their family, a roof over their heads, safety, security, community. We share those wants and needs with just about everyone.

My boss used to say, "If you want to get someone to open up, ask them about their children". If you want to see someone smile, ask them about their kids. Unless, of course, their kids are teenagers. That's a different story.

So the moral of the story is, to find peace, look for connections and similarities. It works for me.

How has it worked for you?